Day 750

What a past few months

Ive been to europe, been on tour with NWGQ (and as of today, still on the road for another week), marked the 10th anniversary of my dad's stroke, moved out of long beach, and am still in the middle of trying to start over again for this year

My weight goals haven't been met, and while Im giving myself another year, I know its going to take several more months to catch up and near the mark i have been wanting to be at for over two years.

Its amazing to think that I've keep off about 75 pounds, and even more daunting to know I would like to lose 40 more. I reached 216 back in may, and now have ballooned back up to 230. Eating weird food at weird hours in weird places while being on the road for two months definetly takes its toll after a while.

I made it through yesterday. It wasn't easy, I can remember how bad things were 10 years ago and how far many of us still have to go. My mom still is trying to get settled, and of course, being in my profession, im still trying to get grounded as well. My dad is trying his best, and I could only wish that we were able to have more in common. It seems our paths are spread so far apart now. I wish we could spend more time together and get to know one another again, or at least do lots of the stuff we used to do together. It was so nice to go fishing again back in july.

Seeing my friends in Bend, OR really hit home for me, now I see where Id probably be had we not left town. I saw the girl who I have missed so much the past 10 years, and it was like seeing her all over again for the first time. That was difficult to say goodbye again.

I drove through Pendleton on tour and spent a week there prior to leaving. Its a difficult place to visit. I feel so much pain while im there, and yet this ever present connection to my past which I can't seem to let go of. Also, for one reason or another, i feel guilty every time I go there. Like i could have prevented everything and the misery that I see all my family go through. Still not sure quite what to do about those feelings. Bend was hard too, it was great to see old friends but i was so sad to be back there and not call it home. I just wanted to park my car in front of 1861 autumnwood ct, walk in, see our dog, my parents - probably my mom would be working in the garden and my dad flipping through daytime TV shows on his so called "break' from work (which in the end was pretty much always). Then walk up stairs to my room, which would probably feel a bit out dated, and then visit my friends who i would have seen and been with all those years. I guess this is all a dream which, for some sad reason, was never supposed to come true for me.

So today im making another promise to myself again, to constantly work toward building my sense of home and stability in my life. A lot of this also has to do with the weight loss goals I've had.

-trying to make wherever I am feel like home, because home is where the heart is.
-moving on from wanting my childhood back, which came to an abrupt halt when my family crumbled apart on sept. 15 1997
-stop blaming myself for the decisions my parents made, which included the poor health habits i saw in my father
-stop wishing that my parents will change and start accepting them and "coping" with their lifestyles
-finding new ways of getting support in my life from my friends, career and myself.
-taking the next step in bettering myself by trying to feel good about my physique, and losing the weight
-Realizing that the weight is simply a physical manifestation of how i have felt inside all these years, and its okay and reasonable to think im going to struggle with reaching my goal
-losing the physical weight is much easier than unloading the emotional weight.

So im going to keep trying. And while this week might be difficult, considering im still traveling, im going to at least attempt to bring down that number i saw on the scale this morning.

Day 750 here we go. . . . ..